Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road