Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

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[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry


When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.


[at the playground]

ME: they grow up so fast don’t they

BENJAMIN BUTTON: hey screw you pal


Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”


Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?

Me: Can you stop hovering over me?

Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]

Me: Much better.


I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.


Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night


I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.


me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles


I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”