[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
[at the playground]
ME: they grow up so fast don’t they
BENJAMIN BUTTON: hey screw you pal
Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”
Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?
Me: Can you stop hovering over me?
Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]
Me: Much better.
I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”