@Canadian_Cutie_

Him: do you swallow

Me: Yes

*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot

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@iRowlf

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

@Marcmywords2

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

@mommy_cusses

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

@Ygrene

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

@awryaditi

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

@sixfootcandy

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

@difficultpatty

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

@JPLFR80

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.