As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
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[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?