I hate when guys try to kiss me during sex
Sir, I have a boyfriend
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
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My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Seven Worst Crimes:
6. Over cooking a steak
3. Buying cheap tequila
1. Inspirational tweeting
WHY WHEN U SAY “ I HAD A DREAM ABOUT U “ PPL ALWAYS ASSUME SEXUAL SHIT 😕, NO I WENT TO MCDONALDS & U WAS THE CASHIER 😂