@Rollinintheseat

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

You Might Also Like

@Parkerlawyer

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

@5oulhealer

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

@Ikea_Monkey_89

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

@SvnSxty

whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them

@TYLER_CMC

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today

@FeelingEuphoric

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

@Average_Dad1

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

@TheBoydP

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

@MiLLz_3

WHY WHEN U SAY “ I HAD A DREAM ABOUT U “ PPL ALWAYS ASSUME SEXUAL SHIT 😕, NO I WENT TO MCDONALDS & U WAS THE CASHIER 😂