Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
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[sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]
Me: what have you been up to in there?
Lion: Narnia business
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?