Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
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I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
A ghost story
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal