Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
You Might Also Like
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.