@AbbieEvansXO

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

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@iinkedZombie

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@TheCatWhisprer

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

@Sakshi9998

game of thrones bt it’s my family fighting over who will sit in grandma’s chair while watching t.v. After she dies.

@TheHyyyype

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

@copymama

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

@Brampersandon_

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

@CulturedRuffian

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.