Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Canada has crack?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!