@AbbieEvansXO

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

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@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

@AmishPornStar1

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@alfageeek

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

@nayele18maybe

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

@_NinJar

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

@ThugRaccoons

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

@VerifiedDrunk

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.