The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
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When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.