God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?
Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Calling me instead of just texting
i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.
Me: Will I be happy in 2017?
(peers into crystal ball)
Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day?
LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question
[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is running nude through downtown
dispatch: copy that
me: *starts undressing*