Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
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“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I鈥檓 sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: 锛凤讥 锛わ讥锛肌锛激 锛筹集锛碉及
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I鈥檓 ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she鈥檚 a weirdo or she鈥檚 punishing herself for swearing again.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
gf: its over I can鈥檛 be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it鈥檚 side against the wall*
Me: I鈥檇 kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn鈥檛 ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 馃槓馃槓馃槓
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Me: I don鈥檛 like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven鈥檛 had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.