Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

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If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.


Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?


Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-

Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what


We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”


*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.


My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy


Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way


On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.


no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won’t get my genitals dirty and i won’t have to wash my hands after. duh