him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.