Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
You Might Also Like
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.