Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does


Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.


me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty


I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.


I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.


[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan


Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”


My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”


Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.


Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!