@IvoryGazelle

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

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@ArfMeasures

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

@hinnaz

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

@TheHyyyype

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

@jazmasta

I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.

@sixfootcandy

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

@CarelWillemse

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

@Manda_like_wine

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@Gupton68

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!