@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

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@CelebrityChez

Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.

@iAmDelFreaky

Haha! My mom said I can’t use my phone at the dinner table. I’m a grown…

This is Del’s mom, he’ll be back after he eats his dinner.

@briangaar

*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

@living_marble

Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.

@werehedgehog

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. đŸ™‚

*later to thugs* They know too much.

@Playing_Dad

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*