@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

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@GrandadJFreeman

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.

@DaddyJew

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

@Holy_Mowgli

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

@mishacollins

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

@

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@michaelianblack

When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.

@PaperWash

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

@dave_cactus

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.