Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
lmfao
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
this is uni
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say