My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I came this close!!!!
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.