@heyitsJudeD

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

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@FeelingEuphoric

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@squirrel74wkgn

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

@E_lok44

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

@GrantTanaka

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

@ChaseMit

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back