ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I am drinker.
Hear me pour.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back