Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Him: God you smell good, what is that?
Me: chicken nuggets
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Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I went out today
There were people there
0 out of 5 stars, wouldn’t recommend
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME