Him: God you smell good, what is that?

Me: chicken nuggets

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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO


Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.


13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!


I went out today

There were people there

0 out of 5 stars, wouldn’t recommend


Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.


When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.


(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!


DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts


[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME