Him: God you smell good, what is that?

Me: chicken nuggets

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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this


I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.


My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”


Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.


If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.


Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.


Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.


me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]


My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.