First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.