@DamagedFairy

Him: God you smell good, what is that?

Me: chicken nuggets

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@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

@solsayswhaaa

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@AnExocticBeach

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

@2browneyedboys

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

@krisv_723

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

@TheLevelArc

Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.

@dadmann_walking

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

@david8hughes

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.