Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I’m sorry…what?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.