{Him going to turn on the faucet outside}.

Me: You don’t want to do that.

Him: Sure I do (gets sprayed in the face).

Him: You could’ve told me there was a hole at the top of the hose line.

Me: No, you could have asked “why?” When I said “you don’t want to do that.

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My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go


If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.


Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.



HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.


I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.


My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.


The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost


One man’s internet wife is another man’s internet husband.