@smhluckyme

{Him going to turn on the faucet outside}.

Me: You don’t want to do that.

Him: Sure I do (gets sprayed in the face).

Him: You could’ve told me there was a hole at the top of the hose line.

Me: No, you could have asked “why?” When I said “you don’t want to do that.

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@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

@1Happytwit

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

@joeldanger

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

@Stap_Jr

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

@Kendragarden

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@iGreenMonk

One man’s internet wife is another man’s internet husband.