Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Me: 3 dozen?

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A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.


BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered


Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?


He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.


Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*


[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*


Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”


My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.


you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type