I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
What?!?
Guy who likes music
🙂🐾
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years