We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
You Might Also Like
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
“Half a dozen” because saying ‘6’ is way too long… >_<
Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.