Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

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We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.


I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.


Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor


once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches


Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.


I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.


wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”


Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.


Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.