Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

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I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.


a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class


All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.


Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.


Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?


Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind


When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.


A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.


Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay


Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?