@SardonicTart

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

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@RickAaron

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

@mars___bars

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

@MegsHAUSTED

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

@Jesssicle

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

@daemonic3

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

@XOperfectmessXO

When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.

@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

@beccafacexo

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

@JediGigi

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?