him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
You Might Also Like
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
What about second breakfast?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school