HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
These 3D printers are insane!
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.