Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
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Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
💁🏻♂️
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Ion see the issue
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.