him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
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Basically.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.