[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Dietest Coke
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.