Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

<—- homeless romantic

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”