Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
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I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.