Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
want me to check your oil?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.