Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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I gotta go grocery shopping. I鈥檓 the only snack left in the house.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who鈥檚 ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won鈥檛 let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I鈥檒l be sure to take your advice.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 馃槇
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
馃幎 Hummus a tune you鈥檙e the falafel man 馃幎
wife: I know it鈥檚 hard, but crying and throwing things isn鈥檛 going to make it easier
son: What鈥檚 wrong with dad?
wife: He鈥檚 trying to figure out your math homework
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.