Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”