@tea_n_cake89

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

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@ReginaCarpaccio

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

@bornmiserable

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

@Darlainky

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

@TidBox

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

@KizerBillhelm

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

@retardedwriter

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.