Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu