Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
You Might Also Like
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control