Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.


okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?


“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”


Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.


I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy


Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.


I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.


[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”


To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”