@ArfMeasures

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

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@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@myqkaplan

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

@PinkCamoTO

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

@Jenn_H_Scott

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

@ThisOneSayz

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

@Ohaiqtpie

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

@mommajessiec

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

@ehdannyboy

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”