Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.