him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

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*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*


My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.


Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.


Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon


I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …


Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*


And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.


Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*