Him: Hey
*Googles a cute reply*
*looks at Wikipedia*
*reads up on crime scenes*
*forgets to write back*

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My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!


Take a deep breath. Good. Now count to 10. Right. Now slap someone in their face. Nice. Feel better?


[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.


Coworker: What’s your phone number?

*looks up from phone*

Me: I don’t have a phone.

*looks down at phone*



*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*


Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered


I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.


It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.


Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…