Him: Hey
*Googles a cute reply*
*looks at Wikipedia*
*reads up on crime scenes*
*forgets to write back*

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Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub


Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup


Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.


A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.


Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.


I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.


Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.


i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day


friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*