ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
why call it a “pork medallion” instead of a Hamulet
Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal
D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full
M: that sounds like a mean trick
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.