HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business