@rachelle_mandik

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

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@truegritrumble

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

@hazelmotes1

My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.

@ceejoyner

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

@TrendsZim

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

@mattgallo123

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick

@copymama

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational