Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
me when I see my crush
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*