Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY