Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Ain’t no way
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]