Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I love wikipedia
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
OH. COME. ON.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me