Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
😂 amazing answer
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.