him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

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Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations



Batman: *throws smoke bomb*


Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.


Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.


A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?


Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want


We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”


[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird


Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”

Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”


Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.


[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall