Doctor: You have emphysema
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
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Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.
[in bathroom stall]
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall