@FredTaming

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

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@Browtweaten

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

@Love_bug1016

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

@trevso_electric

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

@ScottLinnen

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

@rebrafsim

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

@InkedUpKidder

Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”

Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”

@Defiant_Doll

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall