I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Hitlers gonna hitl
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Happy Taco Tuesday
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.