Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
God making man in his image was the original selfie
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies