I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
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No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.
So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”
*Pulls out carrot
“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
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Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.