@LostFelicia

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

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@iinkedZombie

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

@CruisinSoozan

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

@mishakey

Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.

@pauleggleston

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

@just1fool

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@SardonicTart

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

@ExploringUrMind

Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.