Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
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Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I have no passwords left in me
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
good for her
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.