Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”