Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably


The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.


Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again


5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!


Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”


[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO


Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump


When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”


[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda


I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good