me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good