Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.