Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
CASHIER: how old are you?
ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts
ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.