Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago