[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I feel attacked.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers