@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

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@LOsepyan

Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?

@just1fool

I’m excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled.

@YeahDrewisOn

Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes

@Adam14

Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?

@InternetHippo

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

@junejuly12

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

@BigJDubz

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

@CynicalLongkat

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

@wolfpupy

first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this ‘burn your house down’ spell works every time