Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Smile they said.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”