*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“It’s only arson if you get caught”
~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.