Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

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Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?


I’m excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled.


Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes


Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?


[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world


My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.


The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?


Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?


first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this ‘burn your house down’ spell works every time